The decision-makers representations about family raising: a research experience (página 2)

Some researches state that: "the socializing influence of family implies that these negative communication patterns are increasing, so they are not only produced but reproduced. Therefore, this is a problem that constitutes a long term problem to the social project; it demands solutions not only for the present situation but for the future". (Rivero Pino, 1998).

The groups of decision-makers that have been included in this research identify how difficult is to face the frustrations and how is usual the use of double communicative messages as defense mechanisms to avoid these situations. Most of the times, there are not established adequate dialogs, parents use messages with no precision and clearness which generate ambivalent answers, they usually fundament that children do not have the ability to understand the problems and participate in their solutions.

Not only in the family life of the decision-makers is possible to find this kind of distortions, but they have their expression in every single context in which they participate. In the labor field and in their role of decision-makers, they also identify the presence of messages that are not enough clear and precise and the tendency to avoid conflictive situations or situations that can generate any kind of frustrations.

The social conditions demand the formation of a critical and assertive individual with abilities to solve problems, taking into account that daily life is full of problems. However, we find inside family a kind of education for "a positive ideal", just as if life were "always laugh, never cry".

It is evident the parent"s fear that children, mostly at earlier ages face difficult or contradictory situations since they could generate frustrations. Parents try that to avoid their children to be frustrated assuming the stereotype that frustrations generate problems and it is better to show them the good things of life as long as it is possible.

However, with these overprotecting intentions they have not realized that to educate the children to avoid conflicts also makes them to be frustrated and generates problems that are associated to their usual inability to legalize them assertively.

So, there is the desire of the parents to avoid their children to be frustrated because of the fear that they can cause them problems when the non legalization of the conflicts also generates frustration and consequently uneasiness.

Legalize the conflicts means firstly to recognize the existence of such conflicts and the need to solve them, this implies to face them and search for possible solutions. To avoid this assumption or facing is very dangerous since the problems can get more serious and it can affect even people who are not related to it. The unsolved conflict can generate uneasiness and more complicated conflicts, to assume them assertively is an action that is translated into development and growing of those who are involved in such problem.

An important component to solve a conflict is the negotiation. It is a process in which the involved people elaborate an agreement to define interests that are perceived as incompatible in a deep analysis of the situation. It is not possible to achieve any kind of negotiation without an adequate process of communication.

The individuals find the tools to solve the conflicts in the models that have been transmitted from the family, school and some other socializing institutions which have a historical and social load in which the content of the social roles is full of stereotypes and expropriations.

So, it is imminent to reformulate the education that is projected from every single social institution considering the need to form individuals who know how to deal with the conflicts of life in general. But to learn how to legalize conflicts also implies to identify them with courage and to elaborate the consequent solutions.

The groups of decision-makers that are involved in this process propose to establish efficient educative methods that assure an adequate communication" to learn to listen not only to children but also the couple and everybody in general". When it is made reference to the educative methods it is important to emphasize that to ravel in the way of the formation of communicative abilities to achieve assertiveness, implies that family and school, as vital socializing institutions at early ages are coherent and congruent to the styles and methods to use in the process of education for life.

Another proposal is related specifically to the process of training decision-makers and the kind of training they should receive. The training of a decision-maker is not a spontaneous process though it is possible to find individuals who intrinsically have abilities to govern. Generally, to assume a responsibility of decision-maker implies a specific training that includes the requirements in terms of roles and functions that this individual should perform in this responsibility.

Decision-makers, specially the ones who are in charge of the groups of prevention and social assistance at municipal and provincial level consider the need to take into account in the processes of training every year the topics that are related to communication, family relations and genre in order to assure an efficient work from the base. In that way decision-makers will be more prepared to deal with family and people in general.

Taking into account that the kind and intensity of communication can cause not only family but personal conflicts it is very important to develop these abilities in the decision-makers. So it will be easier for them to develop the activities of prevention and orientation that are included in their role.

Spaces

To talk about spaces as a pattern of family raising is means firstly to consider that social relations not only take place in an specific physical space but there are physiological components which are crucial as the ones that have been already mentioned.

In the analysis of this indicator appeared as an initial emergent the confusion of spaces within the family context: the idea of children that they deserve to always share the adults" spaces and the culpability by the adults when it is not in that way with a high prevalence of the woman-mother myth.

The groups of decision-makers that are involved in this research process state that it is very difficult to find at home and work these moments that are necessary to every human being and tribute to the satisfaction of the needs. They also recognize that as a result of their loaded content of work are constantly violated the limits of space between what corresponds to family and what corresponds to their role of decision-makers.

In most of the groups that have been analyzed it has been recognized how harmful these violations of spaces for all the family members are. They also manifested the dissatisfactions and problems related to the impossibility to dedicate to family the time it deserves.

The analysis made possible to criticize the family relations that are established in most of the households in which there is a tendency to devaluate the spaces of the "weaker members" (children, women, adults, elders) and the disagreements among adults for that reason. A very important space of time is devoted to the analysis of the oldest members of the family, who are commonly devaluated and relegated, to their lost spaces, sadness and low self-esteem that resulted form this relegation. The idea that parents are too much overprotecting or too much unconscious and children usually grow within the space of the adults, most of the times because they do not have a own space or the very same adults do not propitiate the conditions to create them, was analyzed from a general approach of the matter. The group reflections considered from particular aspects of dysfunctional families to socio-historical conditions that are related to the changes provoked by the 90"s economic crisis of the Cuban society.

Although the social conditions that a structural crisis imposes in our country where the housing conditions have limited possible solutions in a period of 10 years and the challenges that this situations imposed to the families which were each time more extended, there are some other conditions of the problem that are related even to the historical evolution of family and genre relations.

The traditional assumption of the patriarchal model in the Cuban families has been delimiting the space of each member of the family system, placing the man in the public sphere and the woman relegated to the household functions. From this traditional model some relations and styles of communications start to be established. They impede the configuration of adequate personal spaces. Independently from a transition to a model of change that somehow overcomes what has been traditionally established, it is possible yet to find some features that evidence the presence of some kind of stereotypes and patterns that benefit man in terms of development of personal projects.

Some researchers that have been made on families with teenagers[1]state that: "in relation to the spaces in family it is manifested as a tendency the unclear concept by the members of the family on their respective spaces inside the family group, especially in relation to the children".

From a traditional conception with a firm patriarchal content that is essentially based on maternity as the most important element of this woman archetype, and the absence of the man in the domestic affairs, it is established a overvaluation of the children, with an undervaluation of the couple relations and the need to built man and woman"s projects of life. This prevailing social representation expresses an inappropriate vision of the "excluded third one" place that children should occupy, it limits the personal autonomy and leadership. This situation is very closely related to the aspect that has been already mentioned. Rivero, Ramón (1998)

This evidences the presence of conflicts and contradictions in most of the households that have not been solved and the groups recognize that they must be eliminated soon.

There is a high tendency to assume that the other one (children, parents, work) is a priority, it is usually placed before the personal projects. The spaces and limits in the decision-makers" families that are included in this research project are not properly established.

While traditionally in most of the families important couple and family spaces are put aside to pay attention to children"s needs, in the case of the decision-makers" families labor functions are usually conditioning the family relations.

In this way, the reflections in this regard demonstrate the need to search for the own spaces of individual enjoyment of each family member. In order to achieve this, the groups propose some possible solutions. For example, there must be properly delimited and distributed the spaces of each family member so these spaces start to be respected. To avoid children"s dependence on their parents establishing adequate limits. To create new enjoyment spaces according to the interests and aspirations of each member. To distribute properly the roles at home so each member plays his/her respective role.

It was cleared that the spaces are not arbitrary but it is important to take into account the family interests. With the recognition of the child"s spaces he identifies his place within the subsystem. The spaces must be neither rigid nor absolute; the establishment of such spaces will depend on a family consensus through an adequate communication.

Limits-Authority

The process of impositions of limits is closely related to each of the patterns that have been previously described considering that the limits can not be established without an adequate process of communication or the respect of the individual spaces in the social relations.

Not all the participants in the groups had a notion of the need to establish some limits within the family context. Through the debate they were able to elaborate the indicator, starting form the idea that "if the spaces are not properly distributed and respected, it will be very difficult to establish adequate limits".

The process of imposition of limits in the family is closely related to the prevailing educative styles. The inconsistence is one these styles that has negative consequences to this process since parents sometimes create rules that do not last on time and they usually change them according to their interests and conveniences. Children can perceive each of these changes and take advantage of the parents" weaknesses according to the circumstances.

To assume "paternalist" positions make possible the emergence of some conditions and accommodations on children that make them be dependable and insecure while facing a conflict or a difficult situation in every field of the daily life.

If sometimes limits are not very solid, sometimes they are imposed in such an arbitrary way that they can be ignored and may cause some problems to the ones who are related to these limits. While analyzing the way in which the limits are imposed in the families of the decision-makers who are involved in this project, diverse assumed attitudes are evidenced. Some parents who as a result of their functions as decision-makers exercise a weak or null control on their children, in this case the grandparents or the other spouse assume the tutorship of the children; and some other parents to whom this aspect is so important that they assume authoritarian positions imposing and controlling rigidly the respect to these limits.

In any of the cases that have been previously described, though they are different, it is possible to find the common element that all of them somehow limit the adequate process of creation and stabilization of the limits within the family context. If adequate limits have not been imposed, so the spaces of each member can be hardly respected the spaces of each member of the family and legalized the conflicts assertively the conflicts. On the other hand, if adequate limits are not established some authoritarian and inflexible methods will be used which do not give spaces for children to participate on the family decisions. These methods are usually used by the family members who belong to elder generations.

The establishment of patriarchal features in the Cuban families characterized by the presence of sexual stereotypes in which the father is considered as the figure with the highest authority and the mother as the docile member who put her needs aside to pay attention to the needs of the other family members is usually present in the members of the family who belong to elder generations though it is present in the youngsters with some other characteristics. The authority in the family is usually associated to the use of inadequate methods and styles of communication (imposing and manipulating) in the making of the family decisions.

Generally, the limits are imposed in a authoritarian and arbitrary way through the father"s figure who is the ones who says the last word and does not have to give explanations in relation to the limits he has already imposed. The participants arrived to the conclusion that as much in their functions or fathers and mothers of the families as in their roles of decision-makers these inadequate forms constitute a negative influence and limit the adequate growth for the labor and family life.

The function of decision-making specifically demands the exercise of the authority as the main element so the woman who is a decision-maker as usually happens, is considered an authoritarian figure not only at work abut also at home.

Rivero (1998) states that at present "the authoritarian role is not seen as centered on man and it is shared by the couple but without giving a high relevance to it, at least as it is evidenced. However, the methods that prevail in the adoption of norms and limits are the excessive explanations and blackmail and it is evidenced the insecurity by parents in relation to its use and efficacy. This has to do with the distortioned way in which the activity of authority which is characterized by the ignorance by parents of their children needs in every stage and therefore, the impositions tends to be arbitrary and incoherent".

These phenomenons produce different uneasiness in certain members of the family. Some researches that have been developed (Rivero, 1998) show that there is a strong questioning by teenagers about these methods and a deep sensation of uneasiness since they have to obey badly imposed orders.

The most worrying aspect is that these inadequate forms to exercise authority are strongly internalized by the individuals and they are finally incorporated as "normal" habitudes that are reproduced form generation to generation". (Rivero, 1998)

So, it is evident that the form of impositions of limits does not correspond to the need of clearness, firmness and affection in the messages, consequently, it is generated a contradiction between the mode to impose these limits and exercise the authority and the correct way we need them to be imposed.

This distortioned pattern of raising that is legitimized by our tradition has a negative effect in the personal and social context. The deficient exercise of the authority can provoke personality disorders that are expressed in the difficulty to establish interpersonal relations, dominant behavior, rigidity, dependence, insecurity and indiscipline. "The expression of such phenomenon at the social level can be noticed in the non respect for norms, social and family violence and aggressiveness, the maladjustment and the lack of consideration and comprehension of the other ones.the authoritarianism in the family, in any of its variants affects negatively the process of socialization, either in the non respect of the authority and legality or in the emergence of behavior predispositions that lead to imposition. This constitutes an obstacle for the democratic formation of the citizen, it formalizes a lot his /her social participation, it does not contribute to the conception of essential values of the Revolutionary Cuban Project and it limits the practice of the someone else"s right, the consensus and unity. (Rivero, 1998).

The agreements of the group in relation to the analyzed problematic were centred on the importance to readjust the process of imposition of limits taking into account that they must not be imposed in an arbitrary way; just the other way around, they must be negotiable and built for the benefit of both sides. "This process must be developed without aggressiveness, lies, mercy, and it must not be a rigid imposition".

It is stated to develop an adequate process of establishment of limits based on:

• To improve the intra-family communication, taking into account everybody"s opinions and points of view.

• To respect the personal or individual spaces.

• To balance the educative functions of the parents so the mother stops being "possessive" or too flexible and at the same time the father stops being so strictly authoritarian.

• To avoid physical or psychological violence since this will never be a way to solve the conflicts.

Finally, all the participants of the group process coincide with the idea that if communication is improved and individual spaces are respected, it will be possible to establish adequate limits that will improve family life.

In a general sense, in this model of family that prevails in the Cuban society at present there are not well defined the roles and spaces of every family member. It generates some confusion in relation to how, who and where to offer an adequate security to the children. This disorientation is manifested in the social representations of the groups.

Once the conflicts in the family life are solved, it will be possible to assume the role of decision-makers as a positive emotional state and assume it as an experience while this role is played.

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Autor:

PhD. Ramón Rivero Pino

MsC. Karen Rojas Hernández

MsC. Yanesy Serrano Lorenzo

Central University Martha Abreu de Las Villas

[1] Ver Rivero Pino, Ramón. 1998. Obra Citada.